my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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