i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
