If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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