So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
