before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
