Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
