I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
