im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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