if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
