OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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