I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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