oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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