Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Randomize
