I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
