Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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