Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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