she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
home. puking in laundry basket.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
