wrigley field is MILF paradise
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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