Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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