He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
