i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
