the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
