my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
