People in love make me want to vomit
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
