Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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