My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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