normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Even the bartender felt bad for me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
