my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
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