Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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