Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
