I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
