Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
