I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
