he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
