Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
