Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
