I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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