U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
