just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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