whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
