he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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