On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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