Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
