When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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