I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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