i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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