i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize