end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Actions speak louder than pants.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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