I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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