If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
